Did you ever feel so embarrassed that you said to yourself (or even out loud)  “I could have died”  or “I just wanted the earth to swallow me up!”.   Is there a spouse out there who has ever said “I wanted to kill him (or her)!”.

I’m just wondering.  I said something like this  a few days ago.  I’m nearly sixty years old and should know better but I  was mad and I said it.   I didn’t really mean it.  I don’t even know this person and it may be that I misjudged him badly.

I have never killed anybody and don’t wish anybody to die anytime soon.  Even the worst criminal who is in jail deserves to live out his days in solitude in my book.  He should suffer the ravages of old age and have the opportunity to endure some of the pain he inflicted on others.  Maybe he will learn something and begin to change.  Or maybe he will just reach the end and be reborn as a dog shunned by the pack in a desert somewhere.  Hindu philosophy says that some are reborn as animals because they can no longer accumulate karma as a beast.   God, in his mercy, sees that they already have a pile of it that will take eons to eliminate.  He gives them a pass to go enjoy a cut throat existence.

I don’t think people should be condemned when they express their darkest feelings.  They should be questioned, helped, counseled and maybe even loved.

Words are terrible weapons sometimes.  They can cut like a knife.  They can “kill” a relationship and wound deeply.

I have a dark side but even when in it I can see the light.

God is my only protector.  When I was in my twenties I dropped down in front of a tree one  day and said these words. . .

“Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil for Thou art with me”

I looked at the roots of the tree and saw its strength and will to stand up straight. I looked as some nearby flowers and saw life energy pour out of their blossoms towards my beaten soul. I felt God’s presence in a garden beside a tall tree that day.

I have stumbled often since then but I have never doubted the way to go.  And I try every day to do better.

But there are still times when I am back there  on my knees as my fingers dig into the soil and I experience this sad and solemn valley of the shadow of death once again.

I have found that an important part of banishing depression from my life is learning to express darker moments and then go through the healing process that inevitably follows.  So I share these thoughts today and hope that they may help someone else who may struggle with this  difficult problem.

Here is something that has a soothing and healing quality as well.  I hope you enjoy it.

The words. . .

Sogno

Go, I will wait for you
The flowers in the garden mark the time
Here I will draw the day of your return
You are so sure of my love
You take it away with you
Cupped in your hands
when you touch your face
As you still think of me
And if you need to, you can show the world
The world that doesn’t know what life there is
in an uncaring absent heart
Doesn’t know what life there is
In that only the heart can feel
Doesn’t know.

Here I will wait for you
And steal kisses from time
Time is not enough to erase
The memories and the desire that
Remains closed in your hands
That you bring to your face.
You still think of me
It will follow you and passing me in the city
I’ll still be here
Dreaming of things that I don’t know about you.
Where is the road that You will take on your return
I dream

Here I will wait for you
And steal kisses from time
I dream
A noise, the wind awakens me
And you’re already here.